Monday, May 16, 2011

Emotional Overload: Extreme Error, Delete.

Emotional Desert

The barren landscape stretches
as far as the eye can see
The sands of time seal of life
perservering only the corpse of memories
Dry and dead no love can be found
I got lost, lost in the emotional desert

© By Mouthfullofpoison On 6/7/2007 12:18:16 AM

Trying to analyze one's emotions and mental state is a gut-wrenching process. It's only human to wear a mask day in and day out so that the world does not see the fragile individual lying beneath the surface.

I have spent all day wondering why do I put myself through this when the results are always the same. I shut down that part of my brain that allows me to feel and I go through the motions of work, family, and basic living. Everyone sees the bright eyed, energetic, industrious individual who is reliable, loyal and outgoing.

It is funny how no one sees the scared, shy, introverted girl who only wants to crawl under a rock and release the burden of responsibility. She cannot process her emotions because deep down she knows that she will BREAK. There is no return once a person's mental state becomes unstable. Work will mean nothing. Family will seem important but can always be dealt with later or tomorrow. Basic living is not that important when stuck in a personal mental hell.

So until then, I guess I will wake up each morning. Get the kids ready. Go to work. Kiss my husband good-bye until we meet again after work. Just like my emotions, the day to day stuff is a never ending cycle.

I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sibling Rivalry: Revisited

I wrote this two years ago . . .

Perhaps when I was younger, times and attitude were different. I remember taking care of my younger siblings. I recall ironing their school clothes on Sundays, feeding them breakfast in the morning, taking them to school and picking them up afterward.

This afternoon, my older daughter asked if she could have ice cream. I explained to her that the freezer had defrosted and she must check to see if the ice cream is edible. My younger daughter skips after her and asks if she could have ice cream. My older daughter yells, "No. Get out of here. Leave me alone." Of course, as all little children do, my younger daughter ran to my room and asked for ice cream. I was perplexed to say the least. I had to call my older daughter and explain the idea of "Am I my brother's [in this case 'sister's'] keeper."

This was a daunting situation. I had to explain to my older daughter, in great detail, that the younger one is only five years old. She must have everything explained to her. Would it have been too difficult to tell her, "I am going to check if the ice cream is good. If it is, I will give you some. If it's not, then it must be thrown in the garbage." I discussed this issue with my older daughter. Her expression told me all. Not one ounce of what we discussed entered her brain. She feels the victim.

I had forgotten how self-centered teenagers can be.

Everything has changed.  I have a new refrigerator that works and actually freezes food.  *jumps for joy*  The younger one is now seven and the older one is now fourteen.  Their relationship has not improved.  However, now the little one gives the attitude right back to the older sister.  Will they ever get along?